പേജുകള്‍‌

2009, ഏപ്രിൽ 24, വെള്ളിയാഴ്‌ച

My Diaries... My soul...

I had some diaries with me. It is actually my soul. It includes all my golden memories with him. only those days.. But, unluckily, those are not with me now. The guy, whom I called ‘Appu’ keeps those with him for safety purpose. Whose safety? Mine or his!!
Whatever it is all those my diaries are my mind. My dreams, my ambitions, my, my… everything are there in those three books.
Several time I asked him to return it to me. By the time he told ‘No’ because that will spoil me. He doesn’t want me to live in those memories and one time he told, ‘One day I will give it to you when you recover from all the memories and become a practical woman as I wish. By the time you will feel that all those experiences and the diaries were silly matters.’
After hearing those words from him, I realized that he didn’t understand me yet. I believed that he is the only person who understood me very well. But… he didn’t. If he could have understood me, he would not tell those words to me, especially that ‘By the time you will feel that all those experiences and the diaries were silly matters.’ He had words about his caring, his love, etc. on me. But… how could he tell that to me as he knows how much valuable that relation is to me. After hearing that words from him, I started to walk backwards from him… really I started. Before I had an expectation that one we will become together. But now, I am very far from him. Mentally and physically.
Did he understand me? Never… never…
He always tried to lead me as one lead a blind person. He didn’t accept me as what I am. He tried to change my ideologies and policies as if his. He succeeded in that up to an extend and I lost everything in me by following him. Now.. I am an empty handed female. Have to start from zero again. But I don’t think that I am able to be the previous woman with a lot of moral and ideological qualities.
Where I reached? Sinking and sinking like anything!!