My Diaries... My soul...

I had some diaries with me. It is actually my soul. It includes all my golden memories with him. only those days.. But, unluckily, those are not with me now. The guy, whom I called ‘Appu’ keeps those with him for safety purpose. Whose safety? Mine or his!!
Whatever it is all those my diaries are my mind. My dreams, my ambitions, my, my… everything are there in those three books.
Several time I asked him to return it to me. By the time he told ‘No’ because that will spoil me. He doesn’t want me to live in those memories and one time he told, ‘One day I will give it to you when you recover from all the memories and become a practical woman as I wish. By the time you will feel that all those experiences and the diaries were silly matters.’
After hearing those words from him, I realized that he didn’t understand me yet. I believed that he is the only person who understood me very well. But… he didn’t. If he could have understood me, he would not tell those words to me, especially that ‘By the time you will feel that all those experiences and the diaries were silly matters.’ He had words about his caring, his love, etc. on me. But… how could he tell that to me as he knows how much valuable that relation is to me. After hearing that words from him, I started to walk backwards from him… really I started. Before I had an expectation that one we will become together. But now, I am very far from him. Mentally and physically.
Did he understand me? Never… never…
He always tried to lead me as one lead a blind person. He didn’t accept me as what I am. He tried to change my ideologies and policies as if his. He succeeded in that up to an extend and I lost everything in me by following him. Now.. I am an empty handed female. Have to start from zero again. But I don’t think that I am able to be the previous woman with a lot of moral and ideological qualities.
Where I reached? Sinking and sinking like anything!!

My rendered house!!

I was in a rendered house for a long period. I had a kind of attachment towards that house. That house gave me a lot. And I lost everything in that house only!!
I got my Appu when I was living there. I lost him there itself before I left that house!! I started my business there. I lost it before I left that house!!
My guy… he was my ‘Appu’ and I was his ‘Ammu’. We had lots of fun in that house and I have lots of golden memories also… But.., gradually, in between us…, Kity came (I have written about her in my previous scrap.) I don’t know when she entered into our life… but, my Appu changed a lot afterwards. For him, I became a stranger. I became a destroyer in his life, a headache. Once, he apologized to me about Kity, that Kity was a real time creation of him to test my sincerity. But… still I can’t believe that, Kity was his real time creation. If it was not a real time creation, I directly know that girl!! Whenever I meet her, I mingle with her gently. How could I? I was sometime wondering about that. But, I realized that, if he approached Kity, instead of me…, he might have been getting good caring from her, more attention, love, etc... than me… So, the fault is mine. And it was not her fault that she entered into our life without knowing anything about our relation. As he knows everything, he could have…
I agree with the truth and trying to elope myself from his life… even if I won’t elope myself… he might have been thrown me from his life… I afraid so…. I don’t like to face such situation. So… myself…
For all those matters, I like to blame that old house where I was staying alone for a long time. I know I got everything when I was there. But, now, before I vacate that house…, I lost my dignity, I lost my virginity, I lost my self confidence, I lost everything. Now I am an empty handed chap!! And I became keen in some bad habit like, smoking, drinking alcohol, etc, forever…
I don’t regret in that. Instead, I am enjoying myself. I am watching as a stranger that how much worst I became now in my life and how much extend I will go further!! Now, I don’t have anything to gain. I don’t have anything to even lose also. So, what should I bother?!! “NOTHING.”